Spike downed the double shot of tequila before lighting a cigarette. Throwing some money on the bar he turned to follow the couple out of the club.

He had been following the girl all evening, just as he had been nearly every night for the past two weeks. Always careful to remain in the background, well out of her sight. The last thing he wanted was for her to be cognizant of his presence until absolutely necessary. He was well aware that the moment would come when he would have to intervene in one form or another and he was prepared. It was inevitable. After all, that was why he had been following her. He let out an unnecessary sigh as he admitted to himself that tonight was more than likely going to be the night.

She had again gone to the club that her new college friend had introduced her to last weekend. The first night she had sat in the corner, painfully quiet, working hard to keep up her end of the conversation. But over each consecutive night she had seemed to warm up to the place, to slowly embrace the atmosphere. Trying desperately it seemed to lose herself in the loud music and thrashing bodies on the dance floor.

Tonight she had come alone and she had been drinking. A lot. Forcing herself to down the drinks as if she had a purpose. And she did, it was to forget and to numb. Spike was amazed that the tiny thing had been able to consume so much liquor and still be standing. Admittedly she was swaying, but it still technically counted as standing. Unfortunately, he hadn't been the only one to notice her condition. The men who had been flirting with her all week were also aware. They could smell the pain and desperation emanating from her like vultures smelled death. They were only too willing to help her forget her troubles.

Spike took another hit of his cigarette as he caught up to the couple in the alley. The man had her against the wall, pressing his body suggestively against hers in an attempt to work them both into a hormonal frenzy. Apparently it was working. Spike watched the man's mouth capture hers as her hands ran through his hair, pulling him deeper into the kiss.

Staying in the shadows Spike was content to just watch protectively, no real harm so far. Then Spike saw the boy's hands run up her leg, successfully lifting the short dress even higher on her thighs. Spike had seen enough. He was almost at the couple when he heard the boy whisper frantically. "Baby, you are so hot. Why don't you let me take you home."

Without opening her eyes she replied, "Won't work. Roommate. Your place?"

Nodding happily he leaned in to kiss her again when he felt the cold hand squeezing his shoulder. "Never going to happen mate."

The couple both turned to face the blonde who had interrupted them. The girl groaned. "Spike! What the hell are you doing here?"

Rolling his eyes he answered, "Believe it or not I'm saving you."

"From what?? From him? Oh please!" Willow turned to the man she had recently been making out with. "Oh, sorry. No offense." Mark's pride was wounded but he shrugged it off, carefully trying not to ruin his chances with the seductive redhead.

Spike decided not to answer her just yet, since she was in no condition to be reasoned with. Shaking his head he grabbed her arm. "Come on luv. I'm taking you home. You've had too much to drink and you're not thinking clearly."

Willow pulled back, looking at Mark, her eyes pleading with him to interfere.

Mark looked from Spike to Willow and back to Spike. The guy wasn't that big, but there was something about him that clearly dared anybody to mess with him. But the redhead was too fine to walk away from. "Baby, what do you want to do?"

Willow looked at each man in turn briefly before answering. "I want to go home with Mark."

With a smile much like a child on Christmas morning Mark said smugly, "See. She wants to go home with me."

Spike could only shake his head. "Look mate, I know you have all kinds of fantasies running through your head but forget 'em. I strongly recommend you give up and go home. You can call the little girl tomorrow when she's sober. And for future reference I suggest taking her to dinner and a movie before you try shagging her in an alley."

When Willow refused to budge, Spike prepared to pick her up and carry her to the car.

"Mark!!"

"Look, it's obvious she doesn't want to go with you." Spike looked at Mark and shrugged to show he really didn't care before turning back to Willow and starting to pick her up. Reaching out in a moment of courage Mark grabbed Spike's arm forcefully. "I don't think you heard me. I'm not letting you take her."

If Spike hadn't been so annoyed by the boy he would have laughed at his arrogance. Tossing his cigarette aside he took a menacing stance. "If you think you've got the wrinklies step up mate. Let's have a go."

Unfortunately for Mark, he was too stupid to know when to walk away. Pulling back he swung a fierce right hook at Spike who effortlessly caught the fist in his own, squeezing until Mark yelped in pain. "As I've already said, I suggest you go home."

Mark's fist felt like it was trapped in a vice. Tears of pain sprang into his eyes. No piece of ass was worth this, no matter how hot. "Willow are you going to be okay?" Spike snickered at the veiled surrender.

Willow nodded in defeat, disappointment flashing in her emerald eyes.

"See, she'll be fine. Good night." Forcefully turning the boy around Spike shoved him off in the general direction of his car before turning to face the witch that he knew would be furious.

He wasn't disappointed. "Who. Do. You. Think. You. Are??"

Softening his voice he tried to answer her in a way she would understand in her current state. "Luv, you've been drinking. Like a fish actually. I couldn't let you do something you'll regret in the morning."

"Since when do you care so much?" Her voice was harsh and on the verge of cracking.

"I do care. Quite a bit pet. Just don't tell anyone." Before Willow could reply the rain that had been threatening all day finally began to fall. "How 'bout we finish this indoors?"

"I am not going anywhere with you." She spat. Willow then attempted to storm off only to fall back against the wall for support as the ground swayed beneath her feet.

"Right." Spike couldn't help smiling. "You're tough. C'mon, let me take you home and make you some coffee. Then you can yell at me all you want." He held his hand out to her as the rain started falling harder.

"Promise?" Spike nodded and Willow reached out taking his hand. The symbolism wasn't lost on Spike, it was the first time she had reached out to anybody for anything since that horrible morning the wolf had left.

Since Oz had left town he had watched her each day, waiting for the inevitable fallout. But it never came. Instead of talking, crying, or hell, even screaming she had buckled down and buried herself in school and Slayerette duties. He knew it was all a disguised attempt to force the pain down. Hoping in vain to push it deep down inside where it would remain buried. Spike wished it were that simple. It would only work for so long. Eventually the burial place would overflow and it would all erupt. He was merely hoping to save her from the emotional aftermath.

With one arm around her, helping her maintain her balance, he guided her to his car and settled her inside before getting in and heading toward the mansion. Since Spike had joined the Slayerettes several weeks ago he had grown surprisingly fond of all of them, no matter how fervently he would deny it. He had gained a tremendous amount of respect for the redhead the year before. The way she had stood up to him despite her terror after he kidnapped her had taken true courage. That respect had only grown as they worked side by side.

Spike understood what she was going through, it was a road he had been down not too long ago himself. It was damn lonely. His still heart almost ached for what she was going through.

* * *

Spike led Willow into the mansion and over to the couch. "Why did you bring me here?"

"To sober up a little. I can't very well take you to the dorm like this pet. The Slayer would stake me."

He stood to go into the kitchen to start coffee, but Willow stopped him. "No matter what you think I knew what I was doing tonight." The words were slurred but her tone was indignant.

"To understand what you were really doing you'd have to look deep down and that's not something you're too willing to do these days, luv."

Willow threw her hands up in defeat. "Great. Now I'm being analyzed by a vampire."

"Okay, witch, why don't you tell me what you were doing tonight."

"I was just trying to have some fun. Some simple, harmless fun."

"I don't think shagging a stranger is simple or harmless for you."

"If you were trying to protect my virtue Spike you're about five months too late."

"You will never lose your virtue red, not even if you try. There is a difference between the two you know."

Willow sniffled and tried to be cocky, failing miserably. "So tell me oh wise and mighty vampire, what do you think I was trying to do tonight?"

Deciding to be honest Spike told her exactly how he saw it. "You're trying to fill that void. The one that you've had inside since the wolf left." Willow took in a harsh breath. "It won't work though. There's a world of differences between having sex and making love. Once you've made love with someone having sex only leaves you empty and cold."

Unwanted images flashed through Willow's mind. Memories of Oz fast forwarded as Oz's tender kisses changed into Mark's desperate ones. Oz's loving touches morphed into Mark's frantic groping. In a moment of utter clarity Willow realized how close she had come to making a huge mistake and her stomach lurched. "Oh God." She bolted for the bathroom with Spike on her heels. Reaching the toilet just in time she bent over to empty her stomach. Spike held her hair back and rubbed her shoulders.

* * *

Emerging from the shower Willow walked into the bedroom and found the shirt that Spike had left out for her along with a pair of sweatpants and socks. After dressing she went to search for Spike, finding him outside on the balcony.

Hearing her approach he turned to face her. "How do you feel luv?"

"Yucky. Really, really yucky."

"Sobering up huh? I know, it's awful." Spike chuckled as he handed her two aspirin and a glass of water. After she took them he traded the glass in her hand for a cup of coffee.

Spike waited for her to ask him to take her home, however, the words never came. Instead she sat down on the bench next to him. "I feel like an ass."

"Welcome to the club. Sooner or later everyone joins." Willow didn't respond. "Red, I know I'm the last person you expect to get advice from and the least likely source for you to take it from, but . . ."

Willow interrupted. "But that's not going to stop you from giving it, is it?"

"No, it isn't. This is an area that I have experience in. Sooner or later you have to deal with your feelings. It's ugly, nasty, horrible business, but it has to be done. You're a smart girl, you have to know that."

Willow let out a laugh that was so cold and bitter it hurt Spike to hear it. "What am I supposed to do? Cry, scream, break things? It doesn't matter. Don't you get it? What I feel doesn't matter."

Brushing back a strand of hair that had fallen on her face Spike told her honestly, "It matters to me luv."

"Thanks Spike, but you're not who I was thinking about."

"I never thought I was." There was a flash of fire as he lit another cigarette. "It also matters to your friends. They're very worried about you."

Willow nodded knowing he was right. At first her silence on the subject of Oz's departure had been expected. They figured she was still in shock and would open up when she was ready. They made it clear that each one of them, Buffy, Xander and Giles, would be available to her whenever she was. But that time simply never came. And more than anything else it scared them. Knowing what they expected from her, and that she was unwilling to give it, she had found herself coming up with any reason she could to avoid them unless it was directly related to school or Hellmouth activities.

"Until that morning, I never knew how much a heart was capable of hurting. When Oz walked out that door I lost everything that mattered to me. My present, my future, everything. And more than that I lost part of myself. Afterwards I just laid in his bed crying for hours. All I wanted was to find a dark corner somewhere, curl up in it and die. It took everything I had to walk out that door and back into the world."

Spike remembered how excruciating it was to feel your heart literally breaking inside your chest. "It's called desperation and it's bloody awful. And it's horrifying. Yes, even for vampires."

For several long moments they sat in silence before Willow spoke again. "You know what I'm really afraid of? That if I start to let it out I won't be able to turn it off. If I start letting myself feel everything that's there it's going to consume me again. And what if this time I just can't find the strength to walk back into the real world?"

"One of your friends will pull you back into it, kicking and screaming if necessary." Spike replied matter of fact. "And you're wrong pet. It's only when you keep it all in that it consumes you. Letting it out does just that. It let's it out."

"I don't know where to even start."

"I recommend anger. It's my personal favorite, probably because I'm so good at it. Smashing stuff helps too, really gets you in the mood to vent." Spike finished his beer and held out the empty bottle as an offering, gesturing to the wall next to them.

"I think anger is the only thing I'm not feeling. Not yet anyway. I just love him too much and I can almost understand why he felt this was the right thing to do. Doesn't mean I like it. I'm just so worried about him. He's feeling all of this guilt and he's facing it all alone. No matter how hard this is for me I at least have friends I can talk to. I even have enemies I can talk to."

Willow turned to Spike expectantly, but he could only shrug his shoulders. "Sorry, pet, I don't have any props for worry. I still recommend smashing the bottle though. It's amazing how many emotions a little bit of violence can portray."

Willow finally accepted the bottle but set it down next to her rather than hurling it against the bricks. "More than anything I feel scared. Scared that he'll never come back. That I'll never again feel his arms around me or see that quirky grin of his. Or never feel his fingers in my hair, or his hand cradling the back of my head while we kiss. That I'll never get to watch him sleep, or listen to him rehearse or even complain about Devon." Willow met Spike's gaze and the raw emotion he saw in hers was almost too much to bear. "And I'm terrified that I'll never again get to tell him I love him and that he'll never know that I forgive him." Willow's voice faltered on the last word as she finally lost the battle with the tears.

Spike watched helplessly in shock. He had been trying to encourage her to talk to the Slayer, do the girly crying thing with her, not him. Comforting was not his strong suit. After a moment it became obvious to him that Willow's tears were only beginning.

Awkwardly Spike put his arms around her laying her head on his shoulder. "Oh hell, pet. I never could stand to watch a woman cry."

Willow let herself be pulled into Spike's embrace as the sobs fully took over. She clutched at him as if afraid that he too would leave her if she released her grip. Occasionally she would call out Oz's name as she wept. Spike waited patiently for the tears to diminish, but they showed no signs of slowing. "I have to tell you luv, I feel about as useful as a walking tissue. I guess this is the part where I should say something reassuring to make you feel better, but I have no idea what."

After what seemed like hours Willow ran out of tears and finally she felt numb. When she became quiet and still Spike led her inside to the couch, laying her down and covering her with a blanket. Sitting on the floor next to her he held her hand waiting for her to fall asleep. Just as he thought she had drifted off she opened her eyes. "The fear is still there."

Spike could only offer an apologetic grin. "I know. And it will be. I never said that one hellacious cry would make it all better, pet."

"No, you didn't. But I guess it's a start."

Spike smiled and nodded his head. Now she was getting it. "You're exhausted, get some sleep."

"Isn't this the part where you promise me everything will be better in the morning?"

"No, because I don't lie. Sunlight only turns vamps to dust, not problems of the heart."

"Spike, will you call Buffy and let her know I'm okay? Tell her I'll be home in the morning and I'd like to talk to her."

"Right." Spike was almost out of the room when he hesitated. "Uh, luv, we don't have to tell her everything do we? There's no point mentioning the comforting part? Things are bad enough now that I'm not trying to kill her anymore. I don't need her knowing everything, I'll never hear the end of it."

Willow understood. "Don't worry, I'll confirm that you're as cold and heartless as ever. I'll tell her that when I started to cry you threatened me. I'll even mention the beer bottle if it makes you feel better."

Spike beamed and began whistling while he headed toward the phone. "Thanks."

Watching him walk away Willow smiled to herself. *No, thank you.*

(Home)